QUICK TIPS, EASY WAYS, SIMPLE STEPS? In life development there's no such thing!

I write a blog relating to issues I come across on a regular basis: decision making; obstacles to clear thinking and focus; self confidence; workplace stress; early depression among executives, and so on. Just recently a coaching website very kindly agreed to published one of my missives with the condition that they could affect minor alterations to fit in with their style and theme. I willingly agreed and thought no more of it until one of my regularly readers brought my attention to the title of the piece which had been edited to begin with the words ‘Five Easy Ways To……’

  

‘Five Easy Ways’, ‘Ten Quick Tips’, ‘Seven simple steps’, are all anathema to me and unfortunately do my profession, at best, a huge disservice. Before proceeding I should say that the website concerned reacted promptly when I pointed out my feelings and they quickly changed the title to one I could agree with.

Blogging by its nature cannot explore a topic in any depth. It is there to promote interest in a given subject and to provoke the reader to ask questions of themselves and to challenge some of their perspectives. These mini articles of 300-500 words, however, may offer insights and illustrate behavioural triggers that can help people to begin to understand how life management and/or change may be brought about, but that is all. In our social media centric age we seek snippets of information, fast solutions, and ‘drive-thru’ concepts – but in my profession, to offer people anything other than complete reality is, to put it mildly, profoundly misleading.

There is no reason that the universe should be designed for our convenience.

John D Barrow (British cosmologist)

Our social conditioning began when we were small children so we have decades worth of beliefs, of knowledge, of family and social norms – some very good, some we are better off without  – to balance. In my experience there is no such thing as a quick fix when it comes to addressing how we see and think about our world.

When discussing managing our businesses or our lives, it takes hard work, clarity, focus, planning and time. With these factors in place we can achieve anything we set our minds to. Straightforward it may be – but simple it aint.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - A Practical Introduction

This event and the edited video was arranged by the 'Interesting Talks' Meetup group, run by Matt Kendall, and took place in Piccadilly, London in October 2013.

The idea behind this workshop was to introduce, to a mixed audience, the theory of Emotional Intelligence using Daniel Goleman's model as the basis for discussion.

As you will see, the main themes of the discussion centred around: 

THE THEORY OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• The five domains of EI 
• The five key skills
• The personal and group benefits of EI

NEGATIVITY

• Group activity: anxiety & negativity triggers
• The potency
• Identifying the symptoms
• Taking action

POSITIVITY

• Filling the void left by negativity
• The power of realistic positivity (Positive Truth)
• Group activity: The 'positive truth' list

I shall be holding another short workshop in central London early on 2014 and will blog the details in due course.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

COMPASSION - A Workshop

Be kind, for everyone you meet 

is fighting a hard battle 

Philo, Alexandria, 1st Century

The workshop will be split in to two sessions on Saturday 7 June 2014 and will be part of the 'Health Getaways Normandy Weekend' retreat being held in Normandy from 6-8 June 2014. The cost of the workshop will be included in the price of the two day retreat. For details of costs and accommodation, plus a full itinerary on request, please email Health Getaways or email me directly and I shall be happy to supply you with all the information you need. 

It is not difficult to offer simple kindness and show compassion when things are going well – we can all do that. The challenge is to be able to share such acts and emotions when we are having a difficult day, or perhaps during a longer period of burden, the likes of which we all have to experience during our lives. 

Compassion is not something we should seek to compartmentalise in our lives but instead we can make it relevant throughout our existence be it at work, with friends or with our family.

Our discussion will encompass a number of broad elements of self compassion and compassion for others; the challenges facing our compassion; and the benefits when we succeed. Our work will culminate in each individual setting their own goal for compassion and formulating a plan for making the goal a reality.

WORKSHOP ITINERARY

10.00am-12.45pm (including coffee/tea break)

• Understanding the nature of guilt and shame
• Active Listening
• Understanding
• Judgement
• Forgiveness

13.00pm

Lunch

2.00pm

Afternoon walk with the rest of the retreat party

3.00-5.00pm

• The roll of meditation
• Setting a goal for compassion
• Making the plan happen

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

SELF AWARENESS (Part 3) - Our emotions and our behaviour

In the final part of this extended blog we will see how our emotions effect our behaviour and then go on to look at our strengths and limitations.

EMOTIONS AND OUR BEHAVIOUR

If our moods can determine our thinking it then follows that this process will also be reflected in our behaviour. But making that connection from emotion right through to what we do is not always obvious.

• We do have to take full responsibility for our actions, so why leave it to chance? Our emotions can cause a chain reaction for which we are either unwilling or unprepared. 
• The more we understand and are aware of the nature of the 'behavioural supply chain’, the more we will realise just how much control we can have - and in this life, real control is a very rare commodity.

OUR EMOTIONAL STRENGTHS AND LIMITATIONS

Knowing our strengths is, of course, important but understanding our limitations can be just as potent an asset. In fact, failure to appreciate that we have limitations can be a weakness and may even prove to be a serious flaw.

• If we understand our limitations as well as our strengths we are less likely to stumble unprepared into a challenge.
• Profound knowledge of our capacities leaves us better placed to exploit our talents to the full and give ourselves every opportunity to succeed. 
• We give ourselves every chance to play to our strengths, and after all, why would we want to do anything else?

The idea is not to prevent the flow of our emotions, but to manage them together with our moods, and to regulate the effect they have on our thinking. It is not the intention to breed Vulcans. A common question is 'how can I be doing all these things if I am to concentrate on my work?' The point is that, like any other skill, the more we practice, the more it becomes second nature.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

email Alan

SELF AWARENESS (Part 2) - Our emotions and our thinking

Following on from Part 1 when we looked at the physical effects our emotions can have on us, we shall now see ways in which our moods can profoundly influence our thinking. 

EMOTIONS AND OUR THINKING

Quite simply, negative emotions cause negative thinking and the fact that what we think determines what we do and therefore how we live our life, this is of crucial importance to us. 

• Our mental energy is one of our most valuable resources, but how much of it has to be diverted to dealing with feelings of frustration, irritation, anger or even fear and anxiety? Surely our mental energy would be better expended managing the direction of a meeting or delivering a presentation?
• Negative emotions almost always move us into negative thinking, and if that those thoughts become personal in nature, perhaps there is a danger that we can fall into the trap of losing focus and 'playing the man and not the ball'? How often have you been in a meeting and see personal frictions influencing a discussion? We can become distracted from the aims of a task because our thinking has been led on walkabout by our emotions.
• Constant awareness of the relationship between our emotions and moods on the one hand, and our thinking on the other, ensures that we can retain far greater control of what happens next.

In Part 3 of this blog we shall be looking at the effects our emotions can have on the 'behaviour supply chain' at the point of delivery: our behaviour.

Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org
email Alan

SELF AWARENESS (Part 1) - Emotions & our physical state

Whether we know it or not, we all possess Emotional Intelligence to a greater or lesser extent, and in the first of three blogs on the subject we shall take a look at the fundamental role of self awareness in developing our EI.

Our ability to be aware of and to manage our emotions on a consistent basis, and then to apply our EI to other people and even groups, is not easy. The good news is that it is a skill that we can learn, enhance, and ultimately command. It all begins with self awareness, and in mastering the 'self' we can gain control of what could be called the 'behaviour supply chain'

SELF AWARENESS

The main step towards this is to develop much higher levels of awareness of our moods and emotions, as they occur, moment by moment. Abandon all thoughts of navel gazing - this refers to a very practical approach to understanding and then managing our “behavioural supply chain”, from inception to delivery! Our emotions, particularly when negative, can provoke both thought patterns and reactions that can adversely affect decision making, quality of management, and leadership.

In order to attain such control, we need an intimate awareness of our emotions and the knock on effect they can have on our lives. In that way we can become used to intervening with negative emotions as soon as we are aware of them and we can learn to do this by understanding how our emotions affect three main areas:

1. EMOTIONS AND OUR PHYSICAL STATE

Although our emotions can have serious effects on our thought process, quite often the first thing we know about it is through physical sensations. This is particularly the case, for example, during stressful meetings. Many of us will have experience some of the following physical sensations either before or during a challenging meeting:

• Neck stiffening
• Shoulders tensing 
• Tight throat 
• Pressure on the chest
• Feeling a block in the stomach 
• Throttling your pen!
• Feeling hot 

Although we may know when we are feeling stressed. we may not fully understand the causes. Furthermore, if we recognise we are experiencing these types of physical sensations, our state of mind may not be lost on others in the meeting. If, however, we are sensitive to the meaning of physical manifestations, they can become useful 'trip wires' for making us pay close attention to our thinking and to taking measures to counter those sensations.

In Part 2 we shall look at the effects our emotions can have on our thinking.


Alan Keyse is a fully qualified Business and Life Coach who now applies his 30 years of experience as a sales executive to coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, executives, managers and their staff either in one-to-one sessions, in groups, or speaking to larger audiences. 

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org
email Alan

BREAKING OUT OF YOUR 'DISCOMFORT ZONE'

The foundation on which all self-development is built upon is challenge – that is, our capacity to successfully challenge ourselves and push out the boundaries of our comfort zones.

Even though there may be the urge to create something different in our lives, the familiarity of our present existence - no matter how unhappy we are in our malaise – can sometimes make the challenge seem insurmountable. This is what should more accurately be called our discomfort zone: it leaves us unhappy and unfulfilled but the energy required to overcome the inertia can sometimes be hard to come by.

The discomfort zone can be years, possibly even decades, in the making. During our lives we have layer upon layer of conditioning from our parents, our friends, our peer group, school, college, workplace etc. Not all of the conditioning will be positive yet it influences greatly our thinking and therefore our behaviour, habits, and beliefs. So change will not always come easily and certain aspects of negative conditioning will not fade quietly away. In fact, it’s going to put up a fight.

There is plentiful advice online offering change and personal development in ‘5 easy steps’, ‘11 simple ways’ or claims of being able to change our lives in a week – and if we believe it then we are going to be sorely disappointed.

‘Patience, persistence and perspiration 

make an unbeatable combination for success.’

NAPOLEON HILL

The truth is, there are no quick fixes and no personal development equivalent of the ‘8 minute abs’. As Jon Kabat-Zinn said when referring to learning to practice meditation in his MBSR programme ‘It’s simple but not easy’. So too of any change we wish to make in our lives or challenges we need to overcome in business. 

So, what do we need to bring to the table in order to overcome the inertia of our discomfort zone and make reality of our goals? Each time I begin work with a new client be it corporate or personal, on-to-one or groups (in the final analysis, it’s all personal) I always highlight the following prerequisites:

DESIRE

No matter how much someone else wants it for you, that will not be enough. You have to want it with a passion. Your desire will be the engine room of the change you wish to undertake and there are going to be various obstacles that you will need to tackle on the way.

IMAGINATION

Can you view yourself from different perspectives to your norm? Can you step back and look at your life with a certain detachment? Being as objective as possible can be challenging but can also be very rewarding when challenging the conditioning that may have thwarted you in the past.

DISCIPLINE

You need to dedicate time during your week to work on the tasks you set yourself. This means good planning to match an inspirational goal – and not losing sight of the target! By allocating time to get the job done you keep your mind clear when you have to focus on your objectives – but be tough about it.

HONESTY

The decision whether or not to be honest with people is fairly straightforward. A clear awareness of honesty with yourself, however, is not always as clear-cut. It is, however, essential to the whole process otherwise you will stall even before you get going. Self-honesty may not always be comfortable, but why waste a life doing otherwise?

If you can put a tick next to these headings there is nothing that cannot be achieved if you combine passion, planning and hard work. All you have to do is make the decision and once this is done, there’s nothing that can stop you breaking out of the discomfort zone – for keeps. 

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

keysforliving.org

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - A practical Introduction (Video Extract)

I was delighted to be asked by Matt Kendall of Interesting Talks - London  to give a practical overview of Emotional Intelligence - Picadilly, London, Monday 21 October 2013.

The main themes of the evening were: 

• the definition, domains & key skills of EI 
• the role of mindfulness in the study & practice of EI
• awareness of the corrosive nature of daily 'low level' negativity in the workplace
• replacing negativity with real positivity

During the course of the 2 hour session the seventy members were split into groups to list and discuss their own awareness of their personal points of stress; their negativity triggers; and finally, personal positive truths about themselves. Everyone got involved and contributed to a lively and enjoyable evening.

Below is a brief extract taken half way through the evening.

Alan Keyse
keysforliving.org
email Alan

HOW HARD IS IT TO CHALLENGE YOUR OWN THINKING?

We have all at some point in our working lives, been confronted by a challenge that has halted us in our tracks. It would be difficult to find people who occupy positions of responsibility who have not.

The Swiss Guard, St Peter's Square, Rome

It is at these times when our levels of stress and anxiety can rise dramatically as we begin to cast around for answers and feel increasingly strained as satisfactory solutions escape us. One of our greatest potential handicaps when it comes to thinking our way through a problem is that when under pressure we tend to fall back to more conservative thinking – where we feel more secure – our default setting.

QUESTIONS CONDITION ANSWERS

The decisions we take and the choices we make are conditioned by the questions we ask of ourselves, of others, or of a problem. When meeting a challenge, the nature of the questions we pose will follow in line with our thinking. This means that the answers we receive will be also be conditioned because of the nature of our questioning which can possibly become predictable, preset, and can lack flexibility when perhaps it could be most useful.

PRESET BELIEFS CAN STIFLE CREATIVITY

Predictable solutions may reinforce beliefs we already hold and can keep potential (and sometimes better) answers hidden from us. A particular belief could be holding us back from resolving a problem or meeting a challenge and we may not even realise it. If we care to look, the perspective of questions others may pose can often be far more illuminating in areas we did not think to explore.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”

Anais Nin

AN UNFAMILIAR ROUTE

A useful and sometimes challenging exercise, is to abandon usual lines of thought & follow instead a thread someone else puts forward - usually a friend or a colleague. Such suggestions we may often dismiss out of hand if they do not comply with our default settings (to which we are so very attached). Certainly this exercise can make us feel uncomfortable because we are taken out of our comfort zone and compelled to move in a direction that would not be our automatic choice. But to challenge ourselves by testing to destruction unconventional lines of thought can be very rewarding.

“Isn’t banging our head against a brick wall just nature’s way

of telling us to try something else?”

THE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE WE FEEL – THE GREATER THE REWARDS CAN BE

This is particularly true where we have previously met obstacles that are particularly problematic. Simply put, if this way will not work then take a run at it from a different angle. Why waste our mental energy on a frontal assault when a flanking movement is what is needed?

CLARITY & FOCUS

Changing our perspectives will also serve a useful purpose even if it merely confirms that we were on the right line already. This enables us to press forwarded with reinforced confidence because we have properly considered other routes. To fully consider and discount an alternative can offer us greater clarity, focus, and motivation. At least we have travelled a different way for a short while and explored new possibilities.

"We cannot use the same thinking to get ourselves out of a problem

 that got us in there in the first place"

There is always a way out of a maze - it is sometimes helpful simply to come to a problem or challenge from a slightly different direction in order to get a stalled situation on the move once again. While true and lasting change may not come easily, the journey can be exhilarating and liberating once the shackles of our own modes and conventions have been shed.

Alan Keyse specializes in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

keysforliving.org

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WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 1

The Dalai Lama said that it is  “…through compassion that we gain the conditions for genuine happiness”. The compassion of which he speaks is also due in full measure, I believe, to ourselves.

How can we expect ourselves to compete and advance in our careers when we handicap ourselves with rigorous standards we would not impose on others? Where is the logic in wanting to so burden ourselves that we put ourselves at an unnecessary disadvantage? Why so often are we unprepared to treat ourselves as equally deserving as anyone else? In doing so we are putting ourselves at the back of the starting grid for no good reason.

We live in a hectic, digital, globalised age where obvious material success is king and self-awareness and compassion are seen by many as an indulgence and even a weakness. In such an environment, encouraging people to show themselves simple kindness can be challenging. The honesty and openness that is required to find compassion for oneself does not always come easily. I am not asking for special treatment for ourselves, but that we make allowances for our weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings, in the same way we would give, for example, to our close colleagues.

FAILING CAN BE A KEY TO SUCCESS

Striving, falling and striving again underlies human development throughout its entire existence. In fact, the fall is inevitable given that we are human. What gives us the potential for greatness, however we define it, is our capacity for perseverance. We must, therefore, forgive ourselves our stumbles and carry on for it is immediately after a set back that comes our opportunity for achievement. Kicking ourselves over an error is not only a waste of energy, but we could be missing an opportunity while we are doing it.

In the second part of this blog we shall look at easy steps we can take to giving ourselves the level playing field we deserve.

FAILING ISN’T FAILURE – QUITTING IS

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

e-mail Alan 

WHY ARE YOU SO TOUGH ON YOURSELF? PART 2

We are our own toughest critics and there is nothing wrong with setting high standards for ourselves and, by example, for others. If, however, the pressure we exert on ourselves is relentless & our standards are unrealistic, it serves no useful purpose other than being a latter day hair shirt. 

We are not nearly so strict with our work colleagues, friends or family. All I am asking is that we seek to remove that extra special dose of pressure that we reserve for ourselves. Showing compassion to ourselves will not happen overnight. Decades of social conditioning that has taught us to 'push' ourselves will not just evaporate. So what basic elements do we need to have in place to get us on our way?

FORGIVENESS

This is the first essential ingredient for setting the past down and moving on. Through self-forgiveness we develop that kindness that understands the times when we have made mistakes and poor choices. It allows us to learn valuable lessons without the added burden of continued recrimination.

NO LABELS 

If a friend fails, we can acknowledge they have failed but we do not label them a failure. How often are we pitiless with ourselves in similar circumstances and reach for the branding iron? Our innate sense of justice & fair play must ensure that we give to ourselves a fair.

MOTIVATION 

Observe well our motives and if they are founded in right action - to the best of our abilities - how can we be harsh with ourselves?

PATIENCE

It will not come overnight so work at it patiently. Provided progress is being made it does not necessarily have to be with giant steps. As in all personal development, forward momentum is everything - speed is optional.

HONESTY

If we are honest about who we are and what we aspire to – abandoning self criticism and judgment in favour of openness and seeing ourselves as a deserving human being  – internal kindness will not be hard to come by.

Compassion is a gentle but very powerful emotion and the process of opening our lives and our hearts to self kindness is equally gentle. Compassion is there to be embraced, not grasped. The more we sense the natural power of compassion, the easier and more natural it will be to have it become part of how we perceive our world, how we progress in our jobs, and how we live our lives.

Alan Keyse specialises in coaching Emotional Intelligence to business leaders, managers and their staff – in groups or on a 1 to 1 basis. He also speaks and holds workshops encouraging the use of mindfulness principles in business.

Alan Keyse

keysforliving.org

e-mail Alan